Some news stories help us
understand the world we live in, and some new stories
are just stupid. For those,
we turn to Ronny Chieng. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) Thanks, Trevor. At this point,
I think we can all agree that the Internet is basically
giving us all brain damage. Okay? Social media
is constantly bombarding us with information
we don’t care about, like what my friend ate
for breakfast or what my mom’s watching on TV and when my wife had our baby. (groans)
Okay, the point is social media’s
destroying everything. Just look at this guy
who went viral for the dumbest thing possible. NEWSWOMAN: Carson King
thought he’d get a few laughs. Just kind of thought
it’s a joke. NEWSWOMAN:
And maybe even a few bucks on ESPN’s College GameDay with this sign asking
for beer money along with
his actual Venmo account. The money started pouring in. I had people from Texas, Idaho, California, Massachusetts. NEWSMAN: All told, King raised
more than a million bucks. This guy got a million dollars for beer. Are you kidding me? All he did was hold up a sign. This guy does it on TV,
and he’s a hero, but when I held up a sign
demanding money, all of a sudden,
I’m a bank robber, and I took hostages, which is, like,
a federal offense. And the fact that this
even worked was stupid, Trevor. But not as stupid as what he did
with the money. NEWSWOMAN: He decided
he’d donate all of it minus the cost
of one case of beer to the University of Iowa
Children’s Hospital. It overlooks
the Hawkeyes football field, where home games fans turn
and wave to the kids. Hearing the news,
Venmo and Busch Beer both vowed
to match the growing funds. Wow, he gave all that money
to a children’s hospital. What an incredible insult
to all the hardworking Americans who thought it was for beer. (laughter and applause) Yo, at least he bought, like, one case of beer, okay? Although now
there’s just gonna be some kid who’s $12 short
of a new kidney, right? “Oh, sorry, Timmy,
we ran out of money. “But we did put this empty can
of Bud Light inside of you. Let’s just see what happens.” And if you think this story
couldn’t get any stupider, remember, on the Internet, no good deed goes unpunished. NEWSWOMAN: The Des Moines
Register profiled King, and the reporter dug up a couple of offensive,
racist tweets from when King was 16
and sharing jokes from the Comedy Central show
Tosh.0. It was brought to my attention by a reporter
for The Des Moines Register, and, uh, once he pointed it out, I was really upset with myself. Well, what a plot twist. The guy who raised
over $2 million for sick kids also tweeted offensive jokes
ten years ago. So is he a good person,
or is he a bad person? I haven’t been this confused
about how to feel since I got a boner for my
great-grandma’s yearbook photo. But at least
there’s a clear lesson here: never donate
money you get for beer to a children’s hospital, okay? Because you only become famous
if you donate the money. If you keep the money,
no one cares, and you’re rich. And if you think this story
doesn’t get any stupider, then you are as wrong as the feelings I have
for my great-grandmother, okay, because get this. After a reporter
exposed this guy’s old tweets, the reporter himself
got his own 15 minutes of shame. NEWSMAN: Internet users
angry about the paper digging up old tweets
did some digging of their own, this time
on reporter Aaron Calvin. And lo and behold, they uncovered
derogatory tweets about African Americans,
gay people and women. The Des Moines Register
then fired Calvin, saying, (reading): -(cheering and applause)
-Oh! That’s right. The reporter
who found the racist tweets had even worse racist tweets. It’s a classic case of the pot
calling the kettle the N-word, which is why I always say don’t point fingers
on the Internet, because the Internet
will finger you right back. So, there you have it. The guy who raised the money
is canceled. The reporter is canceled. I think the beer got canceled. And everything
continues to be stupid. Yes, but I-I think it is still
a happy ending here, Ronny, because at least the sick kids
are gonna get that money. Well, actually, Trevor, I dug out some
of these kids’ tweets, -and, oh, man.
-Oh, no! Don’t even do it! Ronny Chieng, everybody!

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