>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.>>Jon: HEY!>>Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. FOLKS, I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO
STAY HEALTHY. I EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, AND TRY
NOT TO DRINK THE ELIXIR THAT TURNS ME INTO EVIL STEPHEN. THAT’S WHY I AM ALWAYS EXCITED
TO HEAR THE LATEST HEALTH TIPS FROM CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE GURU
AND PORCELAIN DOLL YOUR GRANDMA WILL ONLY LET YOU LOOK AT,
GWYNETH PALTROW. SHE RECENTLY HELD A ONE-DAY
WELLNESS SUMMIT, FOR HER LIFESTYLE COMPANY, GOOP. YES, GOOP, A BRAND THAT SCREAMS
BOTH LUXURY AND MUCOUS. IN FACT, THE WELLNESS SUMMIT WAS
OFFICIALLY CALLED “IN GOOP HEALTH.” WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE
ORIGINAL TITLE: “FILL YOUR BODY WITH GOOP.” HERE’S A LITTLE RUNDOWN OF WHAT
WENT ON:>>GOOP.>>GOOP.>>IT’S GETTING GOOP IN HERE.>>GRAB YOUR ENERGY CRYSTALS AND
TUCK AWAY THOSE JADE EGGS BECAUSE GWYNETH’S GOOP HEALTH
SUMMIT IS HERE.>>IT’S LIKE A GOOP GOOPY DREAM.>>Stephen: YES, “IT’S LIKE A
GOOP GOOPY DREAM, WHICH I WANT TO STRESS TO MY TEENAGE VIEWERS
IS PERFECTLY NATURAL AT YOUR AGE.” HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY. HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY. ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THE EVENT FEATURED CRYSTAL THERAPY, AURA PHOTOGRAPHY, SOUND
BATHS, WHERE YOU COULD “SINK INTO THE SOUNDS OF CRYSTAL
SINGING BOWLS.” YOU CAN GET THE SAME EFFECT BY
FLUSHING YOUR MONEY DOWN A CRYSTAL TOILET BOWL. THERE’S ALSO THAT
GOOP-APPROVED I.V. DRIP, WHICH APPARENTLY IS FOR “GETTING YOU
HYDRATED.” ALTHOUGH, IF I’M GOING TO STICK
A NEEDLE IN MY ARM, I’D LIKE TO FEEL A LITTLE MORE THAN
HYDRATED. ( LAUGHTER )
AND TO IMPROVE YOUR FEMALE PART OF YOUR HEALTH, ATTENDEES COULD
ALSO PURCHASE GOOP’S SIGNATURE JADE EGG, WHICH CAN BE
STRATEGICALLY PLACED TO INCREASE VAGINAL MUSCLE TONE. IT’S AN EXCELLENT EXERCISE, BUT
YOU’RE GOING TO WANT A SPOTTER. COME ON, 10 MORE REPS! NOW, NATURALLY– SO DUMB! NO, STOP!( CHEERS )
IT’S NOT WORTH IT!
IT’S ABSOLUTELY–
NOW, NATURALLY, TICKETS TO WELLNESS SUMMIT DID NOT COME
CHEAP. THERE WERE THREE LEVELS, FROM
THE $500 LAPIS TICKET, WHICH INCLUDED ACCESS TO THE PANELS;
ALL THE WAY UP TO THE $1,500 CLEAR QUARTZ EXPERIENCE, WHICH
GOT YOU LUGGAGE “PACKED WITH $500 OF PRODUCTS WE LOVE,” AND
AND “LUNCH WITH G.P.” I HOPE THAT G.P. STANDS FOR
“GENERAL PRACTITIONER” BECAUSE THERE REALLY SHOULD BE A DOCTOR
PRESENT WHEN YOU’RE STICKING ROCKS UP YOUR HOO-HA. NOW, THAT ALL SOUNDS LIKE A LOT
OF LUCRATIVE FUN, SO IF YOU COULDN’T ATTEND THE GOOP
SUMMIT, YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED TO KNOW THAT I ALSO HAVE A
CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE BRAND: COVETTON HOUSE. JIM? ♪ ♪ ♪
>>BAROQUE SIMPLICITY. SHABBY ELEGANCE. GIVE ME MONEY. ( LAUGHTER )
COVETTON HOUSE.>>Stephen: MMMM! HI, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO COVETTON HOUSE. I’LL BE WITH YOU– I’LL BE WITH
YOU ALL IN JUST A MOMENT. MMMM! NEEDS MORE DANDELION MULCH. YOU KNOW, WELLNESS ISN’T JUST
ABOUT HAVING HEALTHY BLOOD PRESSURE OR SIX-PACK ARMPITS. IT’S ABOUT NOURISHING– OH,
THEY’RE COMING, YEAH. IT’S ABOUT NOURISHING THE WHOLE
SELF. SO THIS WEEKEND, COME DOWN TO
THE LA QUINTA OFF I-94 FOR OUR FIRST-EVER WHOLESELF WELLNESS
SUMMIT, COVETTON HOUSE’S “ALL’S HEALTH THAT ENDS WEALTH.” EVERYONE’S WELCOME. SIMPLY CHOOSE THE TICKET TIER
THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU. FOR $300, YOU CAN JOIN US AT THE
TINFOIL LEVEL. WITH THIS TICKET, YOU GET TO
ATTEND, BUT YOU’RE THE CATERER. OR, IF YOU’RE UP FOR A SPLURGE,
JOIN US AT THE CURSED RUBY LEVEL. YOU GET A HOT STONE MASSAGE,
A TURKEY CLUB, AND THE DATE AND TIME OF YOUR DEATH. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER. OUR HEALTH SUMMIT IS ALL ABOUT
GIVING YOURSELF A LITTLE EXTRA T.L.C, SO STEP UP TO OUR
I.v. STATION FOR AN INVIGORATING CELEBRITY BLOOD TRANSFUSION. ( LAUGHTER )
MMM. WHO THIS? AH! ZAC EFRON. AND WHILE OTHER WELLNESS
SYMPOSIUMS MIGHT OFFER VAGINAL STEAMING OR JADE EXERCISE EGGS,
WE PAMPER THE MALE YONI, WITH ORGANIC GRAVEL SCROTAL
ABRASION– WHY CAN’T THE GUYS FEEL SPECIAL. WHY CAN’T THE GUYS FEEL SPECIAL? FOLLOWED BY A SOOTHING MASSAGE
FROM GARY, OUR UNLICENSED SHAMAN, WHO WILL OPEN
UP YOUR NETHER-REGION’S PORES BY EXHALING MENTHOL SMOKE OVER
THEM. ALL ATTENDEES WILL LEAVE WITH
THIS BESPOKE BASKET OF COVETTON WELLNESS PRODUCTS, LIKE VITAMIN
AIR, CHAKRA-CLEANSING OXYGEN, AND CRYSTAL MIST. THE BASKET IS EXTRA. SO, JOIN US, BECAUSE NOTHING IS
MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WELLNESS, EXCEPT MY WEALTH-NESS.